Coffee house jazz always puts me in the mood. Such a rainy atmosphere I opened my eyes to this morning, it’s quite chilly. Morning tea followed by the preperation of my lunch today, mushroom olive oil couscous. Not much planned today, but to go by the downtown book store and pick up a novel or two. These are the days I love. Everyday we push forward to get to the next, we never sit to see the beauty in what we are privileged of. Today I am going to do just that. Live your life, don’t just let the days go by being blinded to the meaning.
I once heard “whatever you believe about yourself on the inside is what you will manifest on the outside.” Here I stand in reevaluation. Here I am taking a step back. I’m stepping back to reality. I shun the perfectionist side of me. I overlook the judge in me. I am enlightened with the love in me. I see only things one can dream of. I see me. Love your self internally and you will manifest beauty. This will grow on you untamed. You will manifest and soak in a sun of beauty that no one will be able to resist. The radiance, such a striking force. Everyone becomes a reflection. What a world. What a beautiful world to be a part of. Take that step, even though sometimes painful, it’s essential. Make the world shine, it only takes one person to shine, then the rest become enlightened with reflections. Shine on.
Being alone is the worst. Being alone and lost is the absolute. Some times in life we feel this way. We feel as we are swept up by storm. We are swept up with no contol which breaks another code of humanity. We crave control, I crave control. Control that isn’t at reach anymore because we are now swept up too far. Up we go. Up I go. Trying to grasp on, on to my life. Like a whirlpool the winds won’t stop, then the strength swells. The Storm is here. Grab on and don’t lost control, control is all you have. Once lost all power goes with it. The Storm is here.
I’m finding myself caught in my emotions quite often now. I can’ t tell just yet if that is a positive or negative attribute to my life. All I know, as I stand right now, is that it is an impacting part of my daily rituals. I can be cooking lunch and just be swept away, either with smiles or tears. It comes and goes sporadically, sometimes at the worst moments. I get the questions asking what’s wrong and all I have for them most of the time is “I don’t know.” No one will ever understand . Well at least that’s how I feel now. A thought that hits my mind quite frequently is one of great question. Its an evaluation of my life and where I stand as an individual. It’s where I stand as a human being. This brings emotion quite often.
I have a lot of self doubt and just feel lost at times.. most of the time actually. I feel alone most of the time. I feel lonely as if no one understands me. I feel few people come close to getting an idea, but just cant put my shoes on. One day I am wearing stilettos and one day I will be wearing sneakers. Like I said.. I am LOST. What a generation and world to be born into saying I am lost. Or am I? Do I just feel that way? I wouldn’t know the answer.
I am drowning in questions and possible answers. I just want to be afloat in this sea. A sea of judgment and search of happiness. A swarm of bees are near and its almost as I have an allergy… just my LUCK. That’s life though. Random. I will get through it maybe with a few stings, but there will be a cure. Not all cures fix the problem at source, but it’ll do the job and take the pain away. I am waiting for me cure. I am waiting for my realization. I am waiting for my enlightenment. Although I crave something deeper.. it will do for now. I crave happiness.
Through the rough sea and deathly bees, I will fulfill my craving. I know I will.
She lacks confidence, she craves admiration insatiably. She lives on the reflections of herself in the eyes of others. She does not dare to be herself.” -Anais Nin
She doesn’t know everyone else is taken. She doesn’t know that life isn’t to be lived with a mentality to please everyone else. She is fearful, never would dare to take a dare. She will never reveal herself, she is content with hiding. She will never find that person who would have loved her hidden self unconditionally. She missed the light and fell to darkness. Don’t be her.
Dare. Dare to be yourself.
We blanch this everyday of our lives. This unrelenting dread feeds on us and can take us over. We can be tyrannized by this fear.
The fear of making mistakes.
We become uneasy of this because we are petrified of judgment.
Again, we are craving perfection. Such a corrupting and inhumanly craving. Worse than any donut or cigarette can inflict.
Sitting there pondering on your next move, with no knowledge that you just missed it. We never just go for it. Those who do, are the ones not deprived of life’s nutrients. They are the ones blooming to the fullest. They are absorbing sunlight and water, flourishing them into those exquisite pink and orange hues.
Mistakes are the seeds to our potential. Empower those seeds. Bosom the seeds, they differentiate us from the next. Know that we all go through it, maybe in diverse ways, but it is the path of growth. It is the path of our lives.
We don’t grow on perfection.. If everything was dipped in gold, then baby it would never grow. Free yourself from that mindset.
We build, breakdown, and maintain relations. It is vital for one to live, putting in the factor of our grounds. Everyday we associate ourselves with individuals then adjudicate if that relation will be long term or left as is. In ocassional cases, we won’t have that choice morally, but most times we will. Some we encounter we will wish to unencounter. Some we come upon we will grow to be the bestest of friends with. One we come upon we will wish to marry. Life is so whimsical. That’s the beauty of it.
The most esteemed relationship is one we regularly neglect. We rarely take the time to evaluate this relation. We are utterly blinded by the fact that this precepts our life.. it makes us who we are. This is the relationship we have with ourself.
Take the time to hear yourself out. Listen to your thoughts. Love your thoughts. Love yourself. I challenge you to be your own bestfriend.